Who i am.

For about a year, I began researching, creating a website, purchasing materials, and even at one point, buying a sewing machine to start my clothing business. Fashion has always been something I gravitated towards. Growing up, my family was by no means wealthy, but even with clothes purchased from the local Goodwill, I would try to create something out of nothing. I specifically remember in my junior year of high school proudly wearing a denim shirt jacket that I had cut the sleeves off. When people complimented me on the now-vest, I would brag about it. I guess I’ve always found joy in making something unique, and I can’t help but think that’s how God views us—we were made in His image, after all.

But to get on with the story of who I am: My name is Crystal, and my middle name is Uchechi, which is Igbo for “God’s will.” So I guess you see where the inspiration for this blog name came from (it’s also my gamertag hehe). I heard someone say before that names are prophetic in a way - and I can definitely say that I can look back on the happenings of my life so far and know that it was God’s will. I was watching a youtube video of a pastor once and he said without God man CAN not, but without man God WILL not. Knowing the significance of my name always gives me a deeper meaning of the Lord’s prayer (Thy will be done, Thy Kingdom come) and also when Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane just before his crucifixion (Nevertheless, not My will, but thine be done). This type of yielding is what I try to model my life after - coming into the acknowledgement of my salvation through Jesus Christ.

The Catholic faith I grew up in did not help me know who God is personally. Outside of church, my mom really tried to incorporate Bible reading (I had memorized Psalm 23 by the age of 7), daily prayers, and devotionals in the morning and at night. But aside from that foundation established at home, for the longest time, I questioned why I prayed to Mary and couldn’t understand the Trinity, or even the difference between Jesus and God. I was a very curious kid with lots of questions, but I felt condemned if I ever tried to ask anything. I attended Catholic PREP weekly from 1st grade to 9th grade, received all the sacraments, and had my confirmation in 9th grade. But even with all of this, I still had soooo… many… QUESTIONS. We attended mass weekly on Sundays, and as I grew into my teenage years, I guess the questions got deeper. But there came a time during Sunday services when something strange would begin to happen. The motto for the church I attended was “Annunciation hearts are burning to know, love, and serve God, by loving and serving others.” And from the age of 16, whenever I would be at mass, at random moments—primarily when saying the Lord’s Prayer—I would begin to feel a burning sensation in my heart. Could it be that Jesus was trying to reach my heart then? I can’t say, but what I do know is that when I would tell my mom about the sensations, she would just brush it off and equate it to heartburn, saying I needed to eat healthier. Lol.

Background

I was spoiled growing up, being the youngest of five. Not having a true understanding of God, I began to treat Him the same way—like a vending machine. I would pray in hopes that He would answer, but when I didn’t get what I wanted, I would become upset, like a spoiled little brat, not realizing that the denial of everything I ever wanted was actually God's covering over my life. I grew up in a Nigerian household with two parents who immigrated here from Nigeria, and the household was very strict. I couldn’t sleep over at friends' houses, hang out with them, or have that kind of freedom. I was a good kid and didn’t get into trouble, so I’m convinced that not getting what I desired (equating reward to good works) created anger in me. I believe this was the same way I wreaked havoc on God when I turned my back on Him, running from the faith and from Him like a prodigal daughter. But in general, I was very tomboyish. I was very active, loved being outside, and competing with boys, including my two older brothers. I even recall a time when I attended my sister’s basketball banquet at 10 years old, and the way my mom braided my hair, combined with the basketball jersey I wore, gave me a masculine appearance. One of her teammates asked, “Is that your little brother or little sister?” I don’t remember much from my childhood, but those words—those words took root as hurt when I grew into my adolescent years.

Upbringing

At the age of 9, I had an encounter, but it wasn’t with God. I used to play games on the internet, primarily dress-up games, but also Club Penguin, Disney Channel games, and all the nostalgic things in between. One particular day, I misspelled the web address and ended up on a website I had no business being on, and it was the first time my pure eyes were exposed to impurity - pornography.My mind at the time couldn’t comprehend what I was watching as I scrolled through that website, but something inside me (my flesh/sin nature) was intrigued by it. As horrible as it is, this was the first time I was exposed to what the sensation of pleasure seemed like. I didn’t understand the acts that were taking place, but I did know that my flesh, in some odd way, wanted to watch more out of curiosity. I remember some days coming home from school, locking the door to my brother's room where the computer was, going back to that same site to watch, and deleting the history. Though I didn’t do anything, my eye gates (Matthew 6:23: But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!) were opened to the demonic spirit of lust. Though this didn’t continue frequently from ages 9 through middle school, it still played a huge role in my adolescent years as I began to question my identity.

Encounter

Throughout high school, I struggled to know who I was. I was a Black, Nigerian-American girl growing up in the suburbs, surrounded by white-American culture. On top of that, I was in honors and AP classes, often the only Black girl in my class. Naturally, it was hard for me to relate to white Americans because our cultures were so different, and even with Black Americans, I didn’t quite fit in. Add to this being exposed to porn at such a young age and my tomboyish nature, and I definitely struggled to relate to people or figure out how to live in the person God called me to be. I was taught that women are feminine and men are masculine. But what about me, who had some masculine qualities? What I wish had been told to me is that, as in Genesis 1, we were made in the image of God—“male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27). So if we were made in God’s image, and He has both masculine and feminine qualities, it’s okay if we might too. It doesn’t mean we have to change our gender or sexuality, as society often teaches us to.

But back to the topic—when it came to dating, all of my friends (who were white) were always attracted to white boys and would gush about it with me, like, “Isn’t he so cute?” But honestly, I never found them attractive. This made me start to question why I couldn’t find attraction in them. On top of that, all of the men of color I was attracted to, found interest in girls of the opposite race. I was naturally a “girls’ girl” and more comfortable with them. However, it wasn’t until certain girl “friends,” who were wanting to explore their sexuality, started to find attraction in me. This was a bit odd to me, but I guess with the whole "finding yourself" thing during the teenage years, I never shamed them. This was the peak time of sexuality in high highschool where people were exploring. I went to church. I was taught by Catholicism that being gay was a sin, but I didn’t want to judge or be judged. I was more comfortable with girls anyways because all of the guys that I had liked or liked me just wanted something sexual, and it wasn’t me at all. I had made a promise with God when I got confirmed in the 9th grade that I would save myself for marriage (physically that still holds true, praise GOD). But I was just trying to “find myself” as a teenager, and this also started to create so many questions. I had never shut the door to porn from the first time I viewed it at the age of 9, and at the age of 14, it returned during this time of questioning. But this time, instead of just watching, it was me engaging in lustful acts that I saw imitated on the screen. Disclaimer: explicit content ahead—but yes, more porn and masturbation. Though there were never any sexual acts physically with any man or woman, there were times I was starting to question my sexuality and began to think thoughts. This continued for my entire high school years, but I do recall a time I can’t explain exactly, but I just started to lose interest in being like the world and trying to “fit in” when I couldn’t relate to people. So naturally I started to isolate and turned to a familiar place—the internet. I began playing internet games again and made friends on there, and it was my escape. I had one good friend from high school, and ironically, she played the same games as I did, and we definitely bonded over that. Until one day I believe the Holy Spirit told me I had to cut off my friendship with her because she was getting into witchcraft. This was post-high school, around 18/19 years old, and the only true friend I had was being snatched away from me. Cue to the crying and loneliness. I turned to the internet, gaming, porn, and masturbation as a way to cope with life’s struggles. So many trials were endured that I will maybe explain in other blog posts, but all of these experiences shaped who I am today.

Adolescent Blues

Adulthood

I received my college degree in civil engineering, but I was still struggling with lust and porn when I felt lonely, battling questions about my sexual identity. I had the foundation of God, so I still made the effort to read my Bible, do Bible plans, and attend church, but my life was still riddled with sin. The breaking point came when I turned my back on God to pursue the world, and God, in His grace and mercy, met me. It was the love of the Father that drew me back to Him—nothing else! It reminds me of this verse from Hebrews:

“And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, ‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He chastens everyone He accepts as His son.’ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us, and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” —Hebrews 12:5-11 NIV

As I grew in my relationship with the Lord and began to seek out the Holy Spirit, God sent Him to dwell with me, and that’s when the journey truly began. And a miracle happened—I lost every desire to return to porn and masturbation. Praise God!!! I do believe in deliverance, but my deliverance didn’t come from the laying of hands or being prayed for, but from a deep, yearning desire to know God more intimately.

I’ve skipped over so much of my story—the prophetic words spoken over my life, words that have come to pass, especially in relation to my career and my life. But, honestly, there aren’t enough words I could type about God’s faithfulness without risking carpal tunnel. And if you’ve made it this far, I would love to share even more with you, if you’re genuinely interested. (Just reach out to me in the contact section.) Life has its cycles, but my faith is anchored firmly in the Word of God, and my relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit is my foundation.

God has blessed me with the gift of prophetic dreams, and every day, I wake up and pray for God to crucify this flesh, this earthly vessel of mine, for His will and glory. After all, that’s what Uchechi stands for. Just as when Moses asked God, “Who should I say sent me?” and Abba Father replied, “I AM,” it is that same “I AM” who now holds my identity—the identity I once struggled so long to discover.

-iUchechi.